[Classicmerp] Bored of the Rings Selection

[lev at rpgreview.net]

In preparation in what sounds like a revival of this list at CoG, a
selection of what was read at the Poetry & Music Service last Sunday.

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...Suddenly, a brightly colored figure burst through the foliage, swathed
in a long mantle of hair the consistency of much-chewed Turkish taffy. It
was something like a man, but not much; it stood six feet tall, but could
not have weighed more than thirty-five pounds, dirt included. Standing
with his long arms dangling almost to the ground, the singer's body was
covered with a pattern of startling hues, ranging from schizoid red to
psychopathique azure. Around his pipestem neck hung a dozen strands of
beaded charms and from the center, an amulet imprinted with the elf-rune
Kelvinator. Through the oily snaggles of hair stared two huge eyeballs
that bulged from their sockets, so bloodshot that they appeared more like
two baseballs of very lean bacon.

"Ooooooooooh, wow!" said the creature, assaying the situation quickly.
Then half loping, half rolling to the foot of the murderous tree, he sat
on his meatless haunches and peered at it with his colorless, saucerlike
irises; he chanted an incantation that sounded to Frito like a hacking
cough:

"Oh uncool bush! Unloose this passle
Of furry cats that you hassle!
Tho' by speed my brain's destroyed,
I'm not half this paranoid!
So cease this bummer, down the freak-out,
Let caps and joints cause brains to leak out!
These cats are groovy here among us,
So leave 'em be, you up-tight fungus!"

Thus speaking, the withered apparition raised his spidery hand in a
two-fingered "V" sign and uttered an eldritch spell:

"Tim, Tim Benzedrine!
Hash! Boo! Valvoline!
Clean! Clean! Clean for Gene!
First, second, neutral, park,
Hie thee hence, you leafy narc!

The towering plant shivered and the coils fell from its victims like
yesterday's macaroni, and they sprang free with joyful yelps. As they
watched with fascination, the great green menace whimpered like a nursling
and sucked its own pistils with ill tmeper. The boggies retrieved their
garments, and Frito sighed with relief to find the Ring still firmly
Bostiched to his pocket...


O slender as a speeding freak! Spaced-out groovy tripper!
O mush-brained maid whose mind decays with every pill I slip her!
O mind-blown fair farina-head, friend of birds and beetles!
O skinny wraith whose fingernails are hypodermic needles!
O tangled locks and painted bod! Pupils big as eggs!
O flower-maid who never bathes or even shaves her legs!
O softened mind that wanders wherever moon above leads!
O how I dig thee, Hashberry, from nose to sleazy love-beads!


...Somewhat bewildred by the acrid fumes and the flashing candles, the
boggies sat crosslegged on a grimy mattress and asked politely for some
grub, as they had journeyed far and were about to devour the ticking.

"Eats?" chuckled Tim, rummaging through a handmade leather pouch. "Jes'
hang loose an' I'll fimb somp'-un f'yoo. Lemmesee, oh, oh wow! Dint know
we had any this left!" Clumsily he scooped out the contents and set them
in a bent hubcap before them. They were among the most dubious-looking
mushrooms Spam had ever seen, and, rather rudely, he said so.

"These are among the most dubious-lookin' mushrooms I'm ever a-seeing," he
stated.

Nevertheless there were few things in Lower Middle Earth Spam hadn't idly
nibbled and lived to tell about, so he dived in, stuffing himself loudly.
They were of an odd color and odor, but they tasted okay, if a little on
the moldy side, and after that the boggies were offered round candies with
little letters cleverly printed on them. ("They melt in yoor brain, not in
yoor hans," giggled Tim.)...

...Tim, now a rather handsome six-foot carrot, laughed loudly and changed
into a coiled parking meter. Frito, dizzy as a great wave of oatmeal
flowed through his brain, grew heedless of the puddle of drool collecting
in his lap. There was a noiseless explosion between his ears and he
watched with terror as the room began stretching and pulsating like Silly
Putty in heat. Frito's ears began to grow and his arms changed into
badminton rackets. The floor developed holes out of which poured fanged
peanut brittle. A score of polka-dotted cockroaches danced a buck and wing
on his stomach. A Swiss cheese waltzed him twice around the room, and his
nose fell off. Frito opened his mouth to speak and a flock of flying
earthworms escaped. His gall bladder sang an aria and did a little tap
dance on his appendix. He began to lose consciousness, but before it ebbed
completely, he heard a six-foot waffle iron giggle, "If yoo dig it now,
jes' wade till th' rush hits you!"...